85-year-old mom asks daughter when she will 'finally' kick out 29-year-old granddaughter, takes offence when she snaps at her in response: 'We are roommates that just happen to also be family'

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Ally Perry • Writer and Editor
Apr 6, 2025 9:00 PM EDT

It is no secret that in the economy we live in today, more and more people are turning to intergenerational living to cut costs. Countless adult children find themselves still living with their parents for one reason or another, and while it is not everybody's idea of a good time, with the right kind of relationships, it can work well. So long as everyone in the household makes a fair contribution in terms of bills and chores, there shouldn't be too much to worry about.

However, there are always going to be naysayers when it comes to these family living arrangements that are still considered somewhat unconventional. There can be misconceptions that those involved have much more agency and choice than they actually do. In particular, those from the older generations can sometimes be unsympathetic to how these circumstances come about. They either can't or don't want to understand why they are practical.

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    The image does not depict the actual subjects of the story. Subjects are models.

  • One mom and daughter found herself in exactly this situation after her elderly mother asked her why she hadn't made her daughter move out of her and her husband's house yet. Her 29-year-old granddaughter lived with her parents for financial and mental health reasons, and also made a fair contribution to the household. The grandma, meanwhile, was in an assisted living facility.

    Upset that she had overlooked all the positive qualities her daughter brought as a roommate, the mom snapped at her mother in response. She got emotional, and it left her wondering if she had gone too far.

     

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    Cheezburger Image 10490174464
    via Mike Von

    The image does not depict the actual subjects of the story. Subjects are models.

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    AITA for snapping at my mother when she asked when I would 'finally' kick out my daughter?

    Hi, I am fairly new to using reddit, but I have lurked on some subreddits before (including this one). Anyway, on to my problem. 1, 66f, am retired but kept very busy by caring for my mother (85f) and my dis ed husband (64m). My mother does not live with us; she lives in an assisted living facility, where I visit her every few days to check up on her and see if she needs anything. During my latest visit, she brought up how I should "finally" kick out my daughter (29f, let's call her C).
    via Few_Hunter_2043
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    Now for some context, yes, my daughter does indeed still live with me and my husband, for many factors including her rather fragile mental health, but what my mother does not understand is that, despite us being parent and child, we are not living in a parent and child kind of situation. We are roommates that just happen to also be family, because neither her nor my husband and I could afford places of our own in this economy. We are dependent on C just as much as she is dependent on us.
    via Few_Hunter_2043
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    C holds down a full time job, which doesn't pay great, but not awfully either. She pays her fair share in rent, utilities and groceries, does her fair share of chores and sometimes even takes over some of my chores when she feels that I need a break. I cook on weekdays when C has to work, but C has weekends off so she takes over cooking duties then. She has a savings account for emergencies, she pays for the family Netflix account, and even spends some of the fun money she has left over every mo
    via Few_Hunter_2043
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    So with all of that as background, my mother's comments made me pretty angry, because C does so much to not be a burden to my husband and me, despite me telling her that I love her and could never see her as a burden. I also fear my mother may have planted that thought in her head when I wasn't around. Meanwhile, all my mother seems to do is demand, demand, demand. She has nurses at her disposal in that assisted living facility, and people who do grocery runs for her. But she never uses these se
    via Few_Hunter_2043
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    I was already having a ☐ day, so I just snapped and told her that C's living situation is none of her business. She started crying and asked why I would yell at her for just being concerned. So Reddit, AITA for snapping at my mother?
    via Few_Hunter_2043
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    Commenters agreed that her reaction to the comment was understandable.

    its_just_ace NTA Parents of any age love to judge their kids living and financial situations, even when they don't have all the information. The economy is in the , I think it's nice that your daughter is staying at home and helping you out. Does your mom know about the financial situation? Do you want her to know? Maybe it's time for some tough love, lower your visitations? Even if she is your mother, you don't owe her anything. Family does not have the right to ruin your peace.
    via its_just_ace
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    Few_Hunter_2043 OP My mom knows about our financial situation, but she thinks that's "no excuse".
    via Few_Hunter_2043
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    its_just_ace I would tell her that it's not an excuse, it's a preference. You want to live comfortably with your daughter and your daughter feels the same. Maybe set up a boundary? "Mom. I don't like talking to you about this because you don't listen. If you keep trying to talk about it I'm going to leave." It sks but sometimes you have to make those hard lines. I've had similar conversations with my grandma.
    via its_just_ace
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    b_needs_a_cookie What's her excuse for not accepting reality and being mean to her daughter and granddaughter?
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    Few_Hunter_2043 OP The usual excuses people like my mother use. For the insults it's "I didn't mean it like that", "You misunderstood me", "You not being able to take honest criticism is your problem, not mine", etc and for demanding I make her the center of my life, she uses the classic "I sacrificed so much to raise you, so really, you owe this to me"
    via Few_Hunter_2043
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    agreensandcastle I would stop doing anything for her that she has other services for. You need to concentrate on people who appreciate you. Visit maybe. But only as much as you want. Honestly you are great. I know there will be guilt. But she really doesn't need you that much.
    via agreensandcastle
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    Timely_Egg_6827 NTA - it gets frustrating to run around after someone who could utilise other services but prefers you to do it. And then for them a) to critisce you for helping someone else and b) not understand you get financial and emotional support from that person. And c) you suspect their intent is to free more of your time for themselves. Does your mother pay include the grocery or nursing services or are they extra? If inclusive, ask her why she is wasting your time and her money by not
    via Timely_Egg_6827
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    Abject8Obectify Not the a h le at all. Honestly, it sounds like your daughter is being an amazing support system and pulling her weight like any responsible adult would in a shared household. The way you described it, she's not freeloading-she's contributing, being emotionally supportive, and even helping you out when you need it. That's not someone you "kick out," that's someone you're lucky to have around during hard times. Your mom's reaction seems more about control than actual concern. It s
    via Abject8Objectify
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    OhmsWay-71 NTA. Next time you see your mom, apologize for reacting the way that you did, but double down on the message. Something like... "Mom, I am sorry I snapped at you, but you caught me off guard. C living with us is beneficial for me and my husband. She helps with bills and with cooking and chores. I have no intention of asking her to leave. I love living with her. Your comment seemed mean and out of nowhere, and I reacted angrily, so I'm sorry. But you should not bring it up again." Then
    via OhmsWay-71
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    "Another thing we need to talk about is my time. There are somethings that I am doing for you, which others can do, and it can free up some time for me. When I do your grocery shopping, it is me alone in a store. That's silly when you have a service that will do that for you. We are going to shift some of the things that I am doing over, so that the time I do have I can spend with you instead of running errands." Then just do it. Let her be mad. No one likes change, but she will adjust. After a
    via OhmsWay-71
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    paul_rudds_drag race NTA but this is optional stress. You don't have to visit Shady Pines. Maybe take a break if she's not going to behave. Between this economy and the burden of health issues, more people keep living with their parents. It works for some families, especially when the support goes both ways. Some parents enjoy having their adult children around and some adult children enjoy the arrangement too. Many people have a narrow view of what adulthood should look like.
    via paul_rudds_drag_race
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    fancyandfab Definitely NTA. She's an out of touch busy body. Unfortunately, millenials and gen z are f**ked. In this economy, it's hard to get your own place. It's either beaucoup roomates or live with parents for many. In addition to the financial issue, it's also a housing shortage. In some situations, the adult child does act like a toddler. Doesn't financially contribute, cook, clean, etc. But, C is a vital family member. You need her income just as much as she needs to be housed. In many pl
    via fancyandfab
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    adelwolf NTA. I've got a sinking feeling she's expecting you to kick out your daughter so she can have that room instead. Have her favorite caregiver right under her thumb.
    via adelwolf
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    GalianoGirl NTA. But you have to step back and stop asking how high when Mum says jump. Stop providing services to her that are included in her rent. Tell her in a few days that you realized there is a freeloader in your family who is sucking all the joy from your life and you will be reducing contact. Your Mum is manipulating you. You have to put boundaries in place and say no more.
    via GalianoGirl
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    Someone YouDontKnow70 NTA. She was not "just being concerned." She was trying to exert control over your life when she can't even fully control her own anymore. Her crocodile tears are emotionally manipulative.
    via SomeoneYouDontKnow70

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